There is a light that I can see

I've always struggled with sleep, ever since I was a kid. Sometimes I can't get to sleep. I managed to overcome, more or less, my sleep-procrastination, but I can count on one night a month of just absolutely shitty brain-loops, lasting all night.

Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night, a solid few hours into a good quality snooze, just to lie there and curse the darkness. And sometimes, my brain's latest party trick, I wake up just a few hours too early, for no reason that I can discern.

And that wouldn't be so bad -- lots of people in the middle-ages did biphasic sleep and manged to be OK, aside from having to live in the middle ages. But my brain loves keeping me awake, too. Sometimes it's a total asshole and decides it'll do this by counting the number of hours of sleep I could still, theoretically, get. If I just went to sleep right now. Or... now!

I guess 6 hours is Ok? How about now?

... well, maybe NOW I can make it through on 5 hours.

Or four.

I guess.

Used to be that I used this to my advantage; I lived in a chronic state of jet lag and my ADHD brain actually seemed to perform better when I was slowed down by tau toxins. But much like how everybody in an above-average driver, people always think they are more functional than they are when they're short on sleep... so it's possible I just really liked airports.

But now, there's no exciting new city to explore while stoned out of my mind on young airplane scotch and stiff-necked redeye fatigue. Now, being tired is just ...tiring. I'd like to not feel this way, for a change.