I have this sneaking suspicion that things are really hard for everyone right now.
We all seem, as a world, collectively off our games. Things are... weird.
"Reopen" but not. Putting on our formal clothes again, but they don't fit anymore.
We, humanity, *changed* the last few years. Together, and very very apart. We are all greyer and more tired, and things are not how they used to be. And neither are we.
We gave space and grace for awhile that was honestly rather lovely. Sure there were vocal dissenters and a lot of stupid decisions, but we all had our Crisis Hats on. Tactical mode engaged: live through this.
For my part... I was already way ahead of the world going into this. Three years ago when mom died after a horrible and complicated decline, and I saw my dad through detox centre after detox centre. Then I broke a leg, and then I packed up 50 years of my parents stuff and sold their house... in March 2020.
Burned out, I changed jobs; Dad married the first woman who would return his calls, while I said "fuck this" to Vancouver altogether. And I put off a lot of grieving by turning inward. Now...
The world has no more grace in it.
And this pandemic? I don't know about you, but it has *aged me.* And so many others. We all made changes, deliberately or accidentally, in that liminal time of "lockdown", whatever that meant for us. Now the land is reforming in ways that don't feel right anymore, under our feet as we walk out into a new day.
It is OK to be off-kilter.
The best advice I got when my mom died was from my old boss: she said, "be gentle with yourself." And I hung on to that phrase like a life preserver. Because it is a thing I am specifically terrible at, but it is the most important advice to hear.
We are grieving our lives as they were before, the world we hoped would emerge, the millions of people we left behind in the old one. And a future that doesn't seem quite so full of possibilities or solutions as it did going in as coming out.
I think a lot of us were on autopilot ...and now we know that nobody is steering.
It's a lot.
Be gentle with yourselves.
Like butter scraped over too much bread
I feel this too. Lack of grace is a good way of saying it.